Pain and Pleasure Trooper's Story
by SuddenlySandi
Summary: This is Trooper's story which follows two months leading up to becoming intimate with Emma. It follows the timeline in the first part of Budge's story. These Characters are from the Cube series.
1. Chapter 1

**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters. This story is the time leading up to Trooper's birthday when he sleeps with Emma. It is short and only covers two months. And remember Trooper is over the top romantic.**

**1**

I lived next door to Emma McCarty my entire life. I learned to ride a bike with her, she was the first one to sign my cast when Budge accidently pushed me down the stairs, we took swimming lessons together, and she was my first kiss. I had tricked her into doing it, but it was worth the overwhelming guilt.

I loved Emma totally and completely. She loved me too, but in a different way. She saw me as a friend, a confidant, a shoulder to cry on, and a guy who would give her insight to understanding the male mind. Everyone told me to give up on her, but I couldn't. She held my heart in her hands no matter how hard I tried to see it differently.

It was over Christmas break when she brought up the subject of sex. She was going to a movie with her friends but she was too afraid to drive the icy roads so she asked me to come along and drive. I sat at the end of the row as she chatted with the girls, but when the movie grew tense she grabbed onto my arm and snuggled close to me. I couldn't tell you what the movie was about, because all I could concentrate on was the smell of her hair and the warmth of her body holding my arm captive.

When we arrived at her house she reached over and shut off the engine so we could talk. I could see her blue eyes by the light of the porch and her beauty kept me speechless.

"Trooper, I turn eighteen next month and I don't feel like an adult. I feel like a little girl who is so ignorant." Her voice was sad and I was confused. Emma was the smartest girl in school and already a shoe-in for valedictorian.

"You are far from ignorant," I told her softly. "You are brilliant, Emma."

She sighed and shook her head. "I'm not talking about academics." She bit her lip for a moment and then asked me, "Have you had sex?"

I choked at her words and she had to slap me on the back so I could catch my breath. I couldn't believe she asked me that, since I dreamed about making love to her on a nightly basis. Did that count? I shook my head back and forth without speaking, but it still felt a little deceitful.

"I can't imagine going to college as a virgin," she complained. "But the first time should be memorable; with someone you trust and feel safe with."

I felt like a knife was twisting in my chest. Emma would move to Seattle and every college man would be more than willing to help her feel safe with him. I couldn't stand the thought of anyone touching her or causing her pain.

"I think you'll make the right decision when the time comes," I told her and tried to smile.

She moved closer so she could talk softer, even though it was close to midnight and nobody was around. "You're right, Trooper, and I think I have. I want it to be you," she said, and watched me for a reaction.

For the first time in my life I understood how my mother felt when she heard a sentence but it didn't make sense in her mind. I had to concentrate on each word individually and then put them together to make sure I was hearing her correctly.

"Me?" I asked in just a whisper.

She grabbed my hand and held it to her cheek tightly as she spoke. "I trust you and I feel safe with you. I know you wouldn't laugh at me or make me feel stupid. We could learn together, Trooper, just like we learned everything else together."

Her skin was so soft and I could feel my body responding to her. I could easily pull her to me right this instant but she trusted me so I needed condoms and someplace besides a car. I began to think about a calculus test I had taken, actually reworking some of the problems in my head to calm down a bit. She waited for me to say something and I could see the tears forming in her eyes.

"Emma, this can't be a spur of the moment decision. We need to really think this through and talk about it," I said as I battled with my body to be responsible.

She sat back and nodded as her mind made its own calculations. "I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish," she said, sounding much more like her usual self. "I don't plan on marrying young and I'm not going to be blinded by the needs of my body. I think if I make this step now, it won't be such a big deal down the road."

"But don't you want to be in love?" I asked timidly.

She smiled widely and said, "I do love you, Trooper. I can't imagine life without you as my friend."

I knew she meant to appease me but her words stung. I didn't want to be just her friend or her neighbor; I wanted to be her everything. I looked down at my hands and sat silently. She waited patiently until I looked at her again. I felt the burn of tears and wanted to punch myself for appearing so weak in front of her.

"Oh," she said, and her own tears began to form. "I understand if you don't want me. It was just a suggestion."

"Emma, don't," I pleaded. "You know I would do anything you asked. I'm just afraid you'll regret it, and I can't live with that."

"Why would I regret it?" she asked me pointedly.

"We've snuggled and held hands, but we've never been…romantic. Do you expect me to have sex with you and then simply walk away?"

It wasn't how I wanted it to sound. I was telling her I needed some sort of build up toward actually deciding to have sex, luckily Emma is so smart and she knew what I meant.

"Okay, what if we spend some romantic time together and then decide? It wouldn't be an actual relationship, but it would be movement toward a more rational decision."

I chuckled but not because I found it funny. I was laughing at myself for being such a sap. Emma giggled and it sent my heart racing. I finally nodded and said, "Whatever you want. It is getting late; I don't want your father thinking I kept you."

She looked at her house and nodded. She reached for the door handle and then turned back to look at me. "I think you should kiss me goodnight," she suggested.

My hand automatically rose to the back of her head and I pulled her close. I had dreamed about this moment for a long time. It wasn't tricking her into teaching me how to kiss; this was her asking me to kiss her. Our lips connected and I felt like a flame had engulfed me. Her hand ran up my arm and around my neck causing me to naturally escalate the kiss.

When I pressed my tongue into her mouth she opened willingly and moaned softly. I almost bolted from my seat as the need to feel her against me grew by the second. I was practically lying on her when I finally got a hold of myself. I pulled away and my heavy breathing was fogging the windows.

"I'm sorry," I said in shame.

She leaned over and kissed my cheek. "Don't be sorry. I think everything will work out just fine." She opened her door and got out of the car. I had to use my sleeve to clear the window enough to drive next door to my house.

I came inside from the garage and saw my mother watching a movie. She smiled and said, "Dreamer's asleep and Budge is in his room." She spoke as if she was the sitter and I was coming home to pay her for watching the kids.

"What are you watching?" I asked her.

She looked at the screen and said, "It's an old movie, but I can't figure out if Alex is the man or the woman. The woman is a dancer, I think, because sometimes she's a welder."

I walked over to kiss her forehead and she watched me walk from the room. I headed past my room to Dreamer's. I peeked inside to see her cuddled up with a teddy bear dad had given her. I closed the door quietly and moved across the hall to Budge's room. I knocked and then peeked inside.

He was sitting on the floor with a lot of money divided in front of him. "What are you doing?" I asked, since he looked guilty and usually was.

"I'm just counting," he said. "I sold some of my Christmas gifts."

I sighed and shook my head. "Why, you don't need the money?"

"I know," he laughed. "But I would just lose the stuff anyway. I might as well make a buck or two."

I went into my room and crashed onto my bed. I stared at the ceiling and felt a sadness I couldn't articulate. The thought of having sex with Emma was a dream come true, but it wasn't the way I expected it to happen. I was confident one day far into the future I could show Emma I was good enough for her. I would have a graduate degree and a high powered job so she could be proud of having a younger man.

I was in eighth grade when I finally had a growth spurt and became taller than her. It seems like my entire life was spent trying to catch up to Emma, but I knew someday it would happen. If things progressed and we decided to go through with this pact I would have to make sure to make it special for her. I wouldn't take her to the beach like most of the guys I knew, and I wouldn't force her to do it in the back seat of a car.

I tried to imagine the perfect scenario. It would have to be somewhere with no fear of being caught or found out. Someplace I could make romantic for her and relaxed enough for me. I got a vision of the perfect place, dad's boat.

I didn't want to get too far ahead of myself, because we hadn't decided anything at this point. She let me kiss her once and nothing else. I forced myself up to wash my face and brush my teeth before putting on my flannel pants and getting into bed.

I couldn't sleep and I wouldn't allow my mind to go where it wanted to go. I finally got up and went downstairs to make some tea. I was waiting for the water to boil when dad came through the back door. He was surprised to see me up, even though it was Christmas break.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm just having trouble sleeping so I'm making some tea," I admitted, but he continued to look at me with concern so I added, "I saw an intense movie with Emma tonight. I guess it has me all worked up."

"I'll have some too," dad said, before stretching his back and sighing.

"Tough night?" I asked.

"We're shorthanded since it is Christmas break. I worked the bar tonight."

"Do you need me to help out?" I asked, since I wouldn't mind doing dishes or clearing tables.

He smiled and shook his head. "I'll have your mother come in, if you can hold down the fort here? Keep Dreamer and Budge from killing each other."

"I don't know," I teased, "It might be nice to be an only child."

Dad looked right at me, knowing I was only kidding but feeling the need to share something with me. "I hated being an only child. I would have loved to have a brother or sister."

"What about mom?" I asked, wondering if she hated it too.

He laughed loudly and said, "She had tons of brothers and sisters, but nobody else could see them."

I poured us both a cup and sat down next to my father. "Wow, imaginary siblings, how great would that be," I mused. Dad laughed and patted me on the back. I wasn't sure I had a big enough imagination to conjure up someone like Budge and Dreamer. I guess I'm lucky after all.


	2. Chapter 2

2

The next day I expected some real weirdness between me and Emma, but she called and wanted to know if I could hang out. I told her I needed to watch Budge and Dreamer and she began laughing. It did sound funny to babysit a fifteen year old and an eleven year old, but Budge could be thirty and still need someone to watch him.

"Come over here tonight and we'll watch a movie," I told her.

"Okay, but can I pick the movie?" she asked hesitantly. I knew it would mean something stupid and girly, but having her here would be worth it.

"Sure, anything you want," I said. "You can bring Patrick, too." I had to make the offer, although I didn't really want him to come. He wouldn't be a problem, he would just be there when I walked her home and I didn't like the idea of it.

I began cleaning up the family room and hoped nobody asked about it. I knew mom wouldn't, she was used to seeing me clean, but Dad might bring up the subject. I tried to dust indiscreetly with an old shirt of mine. When I took it to the laundry room I found mom sorting clothing.

"Trooper, I'm going to the club tonight," she announced as if asking permission. "I'll be home late, but I'll get the wash done before I go."

"It's okay, I'll finish what you leave," I said to get her gone.

She held up a grey shirt and said, "Does this go with darks or lights?"

I shrugged, "Either, I guess."

"Grey is a stupid color," she mumbled. "It isn't dark enough to hang with the big colors but it is too dangerous to hang with the whites. I think grey should be banned."

I took the shirt from her hand and smiled at her. "Go to the club, dad needs you there."

She touched my cheek with her hand and then said, "Don't talk about your dad's needs, It creeps me out." She bolted from the laundry room and headed off to the club. I put in another load of clothes and then went upstairs to make sure I looked and smelled okay for the evening.

It grew dark early so Emma and Patrick arrived right as I was serving dinner. I offered them a plate but only Patrick took the offer. He sat next to Budge and held up a chicken nugget. "This is my second dinner."

"You'll get fat if you keep eating like this," Budge told him.

Patrick grinned and said, "Naw, I have muscles like my dad."

"Yeah, but do you have the steroids to go with it?" Budge pushed.

"Shut up, Budge," Emma demanded. "My father works out very hard."

Budge turned and looked obviously at Emma's chest and said, "Oh, I see where the steroids are going. You better watch it, your balls will shrivel."

"Budge, stop it," I demanded. I took hold of Emma's arm and led her to the entertainment center to pick out a movie. She looked through them all for a long time and then reached way into the back of the drawer and picked up Steel Magnolias. I wasn't sure if I should veto it or not. Mom hated any movie which depicted the south. I knew Emma would be crying and needing comfort, but what if I cried too?

"I love this movie," she stated. "I love her wedding, I see nothing wrong with the colors blush and bashful."

I tried to imagine Emma surrounded by all the pink as she walked down the aisle and it made me smile. I took the DVD from her hand and walked over to put it in the machine. The other kids came into the room and as soon as Emma sat down Dreamer curled up next to her. I wanted to scream, but I wasn't sure if Emma would pick me or Dreamer to sit by.

The movie was a disaster. Budge kept laughing and making snide remarks and Patrick was stinking up the place. I finally looked at Emma and said, "Do you want to watch this in my room?"

"Yes," she said quickly, and stood before I had a chance to get up from my own chair.

We left the others downstairs to put in Zoolander and went up to my room. Emma collapsed onto my bed; someplace she had been many times but this was different. She was the girl I was going to have sex with and having her on my bed was driving me insane with desire.

I locked the door as nonchalantly as possible before tossing Emma the remote and climbing onto my bed next to her. She advanced the movie to where we left off and then snuggled up next to me. I could smell her hair and my face naturally sunk into the blonde curls.

A few minutes passed and then she turned her head and looked into my eyes. We were so close and her blue eyes held me captive. She leaned forward as her eyes slowly closed. My hand rose to her cheek and I kissed her gently. It wasn't a hot and heavy kiss, but it was so intimate it felt erotic.

I was a bit stunned when she turned her entire body toward mine and pushed me back onto the mattress. I held my hands out to the side, unsure what she wanted and not wanting to appear like I was attacking her. She continued kissing me as her body moved onto mine.

My hands wrapped around her tightly and the sensation was making it hard to concentrate. I wasn't sure what she wanted as her own movements became aggressive. I could let go so easily, I could give in to the feelings I was having and let my body move at will. But this was Emma, and I would never take advantage of her like that.

I finally pulled away from her kisses and looked at her. She was panting as she stared into my eyes. I wanted to hear the words I needed to continue. I needed her to tell me this was okay and she was willing to do anything with me. I really needed her to tell me it was me she wanted, but she slid off of my body and covered her mouth with her hand.

"I'm sorry Trooper, I got carried away," she said as my heart fell.

I sat up and took a deep breath before I said, "I wasn't objecting, I just wanted to make sure you were thinking about what you were doing."

She turned to look at me with angry eyes and said, "What I was doing?"

"What we were doing," I corrected. "Come on Emma, don't get angry at me but be honest with me."

She stood and crossed her arms tightly over her chest. "I thought we were working on building up so it wouldn't be weird. Have you changed your mind?"

It made me laugh at the thought of changing my mind. I would do anything to have Emma, but I was certain it would never happen. She would come to her senses and want to be with a man she loved, not a boy who worshiped her. "No, I haven't changed my mind. It just felt…real."

"Real?" she asked, and looked down at her chest.

I quickly spoke up so she wouldn't misunderstand. "I just meant you were in my bed and I could have easily….well, it would have been natural to just…."

I stopped talking and let my head fall. I couldn't even say the words so there was no way it would actually happen. She came to sit next to me on the bed and took my hand. "I see what you mean now. I guess we need to be more open. I don't want to have sex here; it would be too weird for me."

I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant because my mom would somehow know if I lost my virginity in this house. I decided to get some of my questions answered and asked, "So, are we going to pick a day or let things progress naturally?"

"I think we should pick a day and then work toward it," Emma said, in her no nonsense way.

We were both quiet for a few minutes and I suggested Valentine's Day. She looked at me and shook her head. "No, it is too cliché."

"And far away," I noted making her laugh.

"So you want it to happen soon?" she asked me.

I could feel my face blush, of course I was anxious, but I wasn't going to push her before she was ready. "How about your birthday?" I offered.

She began counting on her fingers and then shook her head, "No, it isn't a good time. But I do like the idea of being eighteen."

I groaned at being reminded yet again she was older than me. She turned to look at me and said, "Oh, wait, maybe it would be illegal if I'm eighteen and you were only sixteen."

I pushed her shoulder and moved back onto my bed. "Well, I'm not going to have you arrested if that is what you are alluding to."

She crawled on her hands and knees and straddled my lap as she held my cheek in her hand. "How about your birthday?"

It was eight weeks away and it might as well be a year. I nodded without speaking in case she would hear disappointment in my voice. She smacked my face with her hand and said, "You are such a push over."

I knew she was only teasing me like she had so many times over the years, but I couldn't find it in me to tease her back. I looked into her glass blue eyes and said, "You are so beautiful, Emma."

She leaned in to kiss me and I pulled her tightly to my lap. There was a soft knock on my door and when Emma turned her head I kissed down her neck to where her shirt lowered on her chest. Her head spun around in surprise and I smiled as I moved her off of me. Oh yeah, I could be the man… if she would let me be the man. I strutted to the door and found Dreamer standing there with tears in her eyes.

"Budge said daddy has marshitopia," she said sadly.

"What is marshitopa?" I asked her.

"You shit marshmallows until your insides melt and then you die."

"Dad doesn't even like marshmallows, so if they are not going in they are not coming out," I told her emphatically.

She smiled and turned to run and find her brother. I knew she would be back with a new disease so I left the door open and walked back to my bed. Emma was now engrossed in the movie so I put my arms behind my head and waited for Dreamer.

She showed up after only ten minutes and said, "Does mom feed dad marshmallows in his sleep?"

I motioned her forward and when she got close I whispered, "No, but she does feed them to Budge. Don't tell anyone."

Her mouth pulled into a smile and she giggled as she left the room. Emma turned her attention back to me and put her head on my shoulder. "I don't know how you do it, Trooper. What would your family do without you?"

"They don't need me," I said honestly. "Dad and mom are a perfect complement to each other."

She ran her hand down my chest and said softly, "Budge would be expelled if it wasn't for you. He should appreciate you more."

"He's not that bad," I said, and relished the feel of her hand on me.

"I heard he gave Lilly Stratford a pair of boxers for her bra," she said with disgust.

I thought for a moment because Budge never traded anything of value unless it was his shoes. "Were they brown with a diamond pattern?" I asked.

"Yeah, why?"

I shook my head, but silently I was planning on killing my brother. He had traded my boxers for her panties and they were my favorite pair too. I would be able to get them back if I paid Budge enough, but who knew what Lilly was doing with them. I decided to buy a new pair and remember to lock my door from now on.


	3. Chapter 3

3

Christmas break went by quickly, but my birthday was still far away. I wanted to get Emma something special for her eighteenth birthday. I had no idea what she would want but I planned to make sure it was unique and one of a kind.

I got a text saying she was on her way over with Patrick for a ride to school. I got my backpack and yelled for Budge and Dreamer to get in the car. Mom rushed over to hug us as she cried about it being a new year. It was technically a new year, but not a new school year. September had much more meaning than January.

Budge had on his new shoes he got for Christmas and a relatively new backpack. He threw it harshly at Patrick who blocked it with his foot. "Budge, stop it," Dreamer yelled. "Daddy paid a lot of money for your school supplies."

"He should save his money for your plastic surgery," he said back to her.

"Budge," I yelled angrily. I looked at Dreamer and said, "You are a very pretty young lady."

"I wish mom would have given him up for adoption," Dreamer complained. Emma put her arm around Dreamer's shoulder and whispered, "So do I."

We made the drive to the school parking lot. Patrick and Dreamer went one way and me, Emma, and Budge went another. I was walking right next to Emma but her friend Heather pushed her way between us as she spoke. "Emma, Hillary is throwing you a party at her house, seniors only," she added, and glanced my way.

Emma shook her head and said, "Trooper is invited or I'm not having a party. He's my best friend."

I liked that she included me; I just didn't like her referring to me as her best friend. I broke from the group so she could talk freely with her friends and headed to class. I saw my Political Science teacher and she stopped to talk to me.

"Trooper, if you are going to have any free time next year I could use you as an aid," she said with excitement.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Bello," I said as earnestly as possible. "I'm taking college level classes next year."

She smiled kindly and said, "Of course you are." Her smile suddenly faded and turned into a grimace as Budge walked up to us. I gave him a warning glare, but Budge was never one to catch onto anything remotely relating to a warning.

"Hey, Mrs. Below," he said rudely.

"Bello," she corrected him.

"Oh sorry, Mrs. Blow," he said, and she finally walked away in disgust.

"Why do you do that?" I asked him, knowing full well I wouldn't get an answer.

"Do what?" he asked with an innocent expression.

I shook my head and began walking again. Budge walked with me, making a comment to every girl who walked by, rather he knew her or not. I reached my class and turned to my brother. "Hang on to your backpack and get to class on time."

"Okay, mom," he laughed, and walked away.

I found my seat and waited for Emma to arrive. We had several classes together since we were both in the advanced program. I saw how excited she was when she finally arrived and I knew it had to do with the party. She sat in her seat and reached out to give me a gentle squeeze on my arm.

"You look happy," I said with a grin.

"This is my last semester of high school, I'm ecstatic," she laughed.

I felt my heart move into my throat as I thought about her leaving. She would head to college and every man on campus would be chasing after her. I would get my one chance to love her and it would be all I would ever have. I was selfish to want it, but I couldn't find it in my soul to pass on the opportunity.

She placed her warm hand on my arm and said, "What's wrong, Trooper?"

It snapped me out of my thoughts and I smiled at her. "Nothing, I have another year left so I can't join in your celebration."

"It will go quickly, you'll see," she said with a smile.

I made it through the morning classes but when lunch arrived I needed to feel her in my arms. It was a new sensation and I craved it now. I took her hand and walked to my car. She pulled her lunch from her backpack and offered me half of her sandwich. I let my hand move to her hair instead of taking the food.

"You're acting all weird today," she said, before taking a bite of food.

"Do you remember when we told everyone we were twins?" I asked, causing her to laugh.

"Yeah, second graders are too stupid to realize we had different last names and were in different grades."

"It always felt that way until this year. You suddenly seem separate from me," I told her, trying to share my feelings without making it too obvious.

She put her sandwich down and looked out the window for a moment. I couldn't tell if she was angry or pensive. She finally turned to look at me and I could see tears in her eyes. "Trooper, I have depended on you so much, but next year I'll be on my own and I want to be free to experience everything that is out there for me. I also want you to be free to enjoy your senior year. It doesn't mean I don't still love you, but it's time for us to see what life is like apart."

Her words hurt more than I thought they would. I knew they were true. I fell in love with Emma before I could speak, and I knew I needed to see more of the world to know who I was. But I seriously doubted my feelings would change.

I took half of her sandwich and began to eat it. She put her half away and said, "Okay, let's talk about this."

"There is nothing to talk about," I said, and tried to sound positive. "You are right and I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise."

"We still have this semester," she said sadly, and I nodded in agreement. Her eyes filled with tears and she added, "Have you changed your mind about our plans?"

Was she crazy? It was all I could think about and it would take some cosmic event to keep me away from her. I shook my head and looked right into her eyes. "No, to be truthful I'm quite anxious," I said honestly.

She laughed and leaned over to kiss me. It was just what I needed so I pulled her closer and wrapped my arms around her. It was becoming second nature to kiss her but I knew we had a long way to go before other things felt natural. I let my hand move to her side and I ran my thumb up and down the very edge of her breast.

She decided to be a bit more adventurous too and ran her hand up my leg. I began holding my breath, waiting to see if she was going to continue or stop just shy of touching me. She suddenly pulled away and looked around the parking lot. I was struggling to gain control when she said, "Not here, Trooper. Come to my room tonight."

I put both hands on the steering wheel and let my forehead rest at the top of it as I took several deep breaths. She was killing me but a part of me was happy she was able to think clearly. I would hate for anything to happen in my car, at school, or any other place.

She returned to her lunch and when one of her girlfriends knocked on the window she rolled it down to speak to her. They laughed and joked over some of the senior boys as I tried to finish my half of the sandwich. When the bell rang I got out of the car and walked toward my class alone. When I reached the door I looked back and saw Emma watching me. She smiled and waved, causing me to automatically grin and wave in return. I couldn't imagine school without her here.

I was sitting in class when someone from the office sent for me. I knew it meant mom had arrived. She came often to speak with me and felt each time it was critical to hear my advice. I walked to the office and saw her pacing in front of it. I laughed and asked, "It's the first day back, what could be so important?"

She held up a small jar of spice and asked me, "What's this?"

"It is Hing," I said, reading the label.

She smacked me on the arm and said, "I can read, Trooper, but why do I have Hing?"

"It is a spice used in Indian dishes," I began to explain.

She dropped it onto the floor as if it were somehow contaminated and shook her head. "Oh hell no, I'm not cooking for Jake no matter how much he apologizes."

"No, mom," I said to explain, "Dishes from India, not native American food. It is similar to garlic but stronger."

She looked at the jar on the ground and said, "Why did I purchase Hing?"

I shrugged and offered, "Maybe dad bought it for a drink at the club?"

Her eyes grew large and she became very animated. "I bet he did so he would have horrible breath and all the girls would stay away from him. Poor Edward, he has to drink awful things just for me." She picked up the jar and walked away. I considered calling dad to warn him, but I knew he would drink it for her if it would ease her mind.

I finished the day and showed up at my car as Dreamer and Patrick arrived. I glanced around for Budge and Emma and saw her walking with Hillary. They were looking over a paper, most likely party plans. Dreamer narrowed her eyes and said loudly, "Where's Budge?"

"I'll find him," I said, and jogged back toward the school.

I heard some loud screaming and laughter coming from the girl's restroom so I knocked loudly on the door. "Budge, come on," I yelled.

He opened the door with a big smile on his face and several girls following him out. "I got confused," he said with a grin.

"Sure you did," I said, and grabbed his arm and pointed back at the door. "Your backpack," I said, sending him running back in to get it.

We showed up at the car and Dreamer was angry for being kept waiting. She waited for Budge to get inside and then reached over and pinched him harshly. I looked in the rearview mirror and told them both to knock it off. We drove home quickly and when I shut off the engine everyone jumped out of the car except me and Emma.

I turned to look at her and said, "So you really want me to come over?"

Her voice lowered although nobody was close enough to hear our conversation. "My dad works late tonight and my mom goes to bed by nine-thirty."

My face looked stunned. I thought she wanted me to come over after dinner, I didn't know she wanted me to sneak into her room without anyone's knowledge. I suddenly felt like I was doing something wrong. We got out of the car and she headed to her house. I walked to the porch where dad waited.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, fine," I said. "This semester should be a breeze."

He turned and looked at Emma before coming back at me. I couldn't lie to my father. I wouldn't tell him the truth exactly, but I refused to lie to him. "We're trying to work through some stuff," I admitted. He nodded and put his hand on my shoulder as I walked into the house.

"You're almost a man, Trooper. I won't insinuate myself into your business."

"Thanks, dad," I said, feeling so lucky I had the parents I did. I wouldn't have to sneak out of the house. I could tell my mother I would be in Emma's room if she needed me and all she would care about is if I remembered to tell Emmett she said hello.


	4. Chapter 4

4

The evening moved slowly and I tried my hardest to appear as normal as possible. After dinner I took a shower and dressed in sweats to do some homework. I kept looking at the clock and then out my window toward Emma's room. Her light was on but the drapes were closed. It was close to ten when I finally saw her flicker the lights.

I headed downstairs and found my mom rummaging through the utensil drawer. I walked over to see if I could help her find something. She held up a spoon and said, "Look at these marks, what could be causing them?"

"Do you check the disposal before turning it on?" I asked her, certain she had damaged a spoon or two.

She glanced at the sink and then put her hand over her heart with relief. "Oh good, I thought we had huge rats in the drawers."

I kissed her cheek and said, "I'm going to see Emma, I won't be gone too long."

"Make sure you tell Emmett I said hi," she demanded, and I nodded in agreement. I walked out the back door and toward their house as mom yelled after me, "Oh, and Rose too."

I went right to the back of the house and removed my shoes. Emma opened the door softly and smiled at me. I entered the dark house and followed her up to her room. She had music playing loudly and motioned for me to remain quiet as she locked her door. I sat my shoes on the carpet and when I stood she turned off the light.

I felt her hand take mine and pull me toward her bed. She climbed onto it and when I sat she continued to pull until I was lying next to her. I spent a lot of time on Emma's bed, but never like this. The darkness and the music added to the intense feelings I was having. I wasn't sure if I should talk to her or just move in for a kiss. She finally asked, "Is anything wrong?"

I couldn't find my voice so I shook my head and lowered my mouth to hers. This was so different from the car or my room where there was plenty of lighting. It gave me courage to move faster than I normally would have. I let my hand move under her shirt and onto her flesh. It moved up her side and I was shocked to find she wasn't wearing a bra.

It would save me the trouble of figuring it out, but it made me feel she was giving me permission to touch her and that scared me a little. She arched into me and my hand automatically moved to paradise. Her breasts were large and completely filled my hand. I kneaded it as she deepened our kiss.

I felt her hand move down my back and into the waist of my sweat pants. She let it run back up and pulled my shirt with it. I backed away enough to pull the shirt from my body and watched in shock as she did the same.

The room was dark but I could see her body clearly. I stared at her as I felt a lump rising in my throat. She watched me with wide eyes, trying to see if I was disappointed or reluctant. I smiled and whispered, "God Emma, you are amazingly beautiful. You look like a perfect painting."

I began to feel her body shaking and a look of fear entered her eyes. I let my body lower, covering her as I held her head between my hands. "What's wrong?" I asked her quietly.

"I feel so out of control," she replied. "I feel like I want so much more but I'm also terrified."

I kissed her softly and said, "We're going to go very slowly. I won't let us get out of control."

Tears filled her eyes and ran down her face into her hair. She smiled and tightened her arms around me. "You are so perfect Trooper; I wouldn't want this to happen with anyone else."

It made my heart soar. I would have preferred to hear declarations of love, but knowing she wanted to lose her virginity to me was as close as I would get. I kissed her softly a few times and she pulled me closer so I deepened the kiss.

I kept my hands far from her body and let us experience the feeling of skin to skin as we kissed passionately. She slowly let her legs move to the sides and wrapped them around me. I hissed from the sensation and froze as she took her own much needed breath.

We looked into each other's eyes, knowing the possibilities but also knowing we were not ready. "I better go," I said painfully.

"One last kiss," she pleaded, sending my body thrusting toward hers. We both moaned as we grinded into each other, totally lost in the most amazing feeling imaginable. I had to force myself to push away, both of us breathing too loudly.

I got my shirt off the floor and pulled it onto my body, but Emma got off the bed and remained topless. I picked up my shoes and when I turned to tell her goodnight she leaned against me and whispered, "Trooper, your body drives me crazy."

It caused a smile from ear to ear. The only girl I wanted touching my body said it drove her crazy. I was elated and felt more like a man than I had ever before. She laughed and opened her door to push me from her room. She shut it behind me and I turned to stare at it. I knew this door like the back of my hand, but it suddenly looked much thicker.

I walked quietly down the stairs and out the back door before putting on my shoes and running across the yard. Mom was still up but she was in her room so I went right to bed. I was lying in the dark with a big grin, finding it impossible to sleep. I looked over at the poster on my wall and decided right then what I would get Emma for her birthday.

The next morning we both tried to act normally. Budge and Patrick didn't notice anything, but Dreamer caught me glancing at Emma a couple of times. When we got to the school we all got out of the car. Emma's friends rushed right over so Dreamer took the opportunity to talk to me alone.

"Why are you looking at Emma so much?" she asked me.

I looked again as if I didn't know what she meant. "I guess she looks really pretty today," I said with a shrug.

Dreamer looked over and then back at me before saying, "Emma always looks pretty."

"That's true," I admitted. "But red is a good color on her."

Dreamer seemed satisfied with my answer and ran off to catch up to Patrick. I went to class and waited for Emma to arrive. She walked in and her face reddened a bit so I knew she had been talking to her friends about what happened between us.

"Dylan said to tell you he wants to go fishing," she said, as if simply relaying a message.

"Okay, I'll talk to him at lunch," I said, watching her closely for a reaction. She didn't suggest going to my car so I planned to eat in the lunchroom today.

We sat as a group, her friends and mine all chatting at the same time. Every once in awhile she would run her hand along my leg or touch my arm as she spoke. It only served to make the moments where she wasn't touching me bleaker.

I was able to carry on conversations but my awareness was completely on Emma. It was as if she resided on a different mental plane as the other people around me. I could talk about fishing as I noticed her smile, the smell of her perfume, or the way she played with her hair.

When the bell rang we all stood and she turned to face me. "My father is off today, so he'll be home."

"Okay," I said lightly, already feeling the loss of her presence.

When school ended I arrived at the car after Budge, but had to send him back for his backpack. I pulled in front of the school to wait for him to return as Patrick said, "I heard you are having a seniors only party."

Emma looked out the window without replying and I felt bile rise in the back of my throat. I knew her friends would push to have her to themselves, but I never thought she would give in. By the time we got home I was too angry to confront her. I got out of the car quickly and when she called out my name I kept walking. Budge turned around and laughed at her, so she ran home without saying anything else.

I went right to my room and shut the door. I got a text a few minutes later asking me to call her. I put my phone down and went downstairs in an attempt to ignore it. Mom was saying goodbye to dad, which usually consisted of passionate kissing as if they would be parted for decades.

I looked over at Budge and asked, "Hey, do you want to take a run?"

"Sure," he said enthusiastically and ran to his room to dress.

I put on my sweats, the ones that still smelled like Emma, and my running shoes. I waited for Budge and we took off into the forest. I wanted it to clear my head, but all it did was relieve the tension in my body. We stopped by a stream and I sat on a rock as Budge tossed stones into the water.

I didn't confide in my brother much, but I opened up the conversation by asking, "Is there some girl you like?"

"Yeah, all of them," he teased.

"No seriously, is there someone you like more than the others?"

"Nope, I like them all equally the same. I like big butts, small butts, blondes, brunettes, redheads, or even bald," he laughed.

I chuckled, believing someday a woman would capture his heart no matter how adamant he was it would never happen. He looked over at me and pointed, "And that right there is the reason why. I never want to have that look on my face."

"What look?" I asked with offense.

"Like your world is ending because Emma didn't say or do something. She has you whipped and it is actually quite disgusting."

"I'm not in a relationship with Emma," I said, but Budge only laughed.

"Yeah, because she would never date a lowly Junior. I wish you would kick her snooty ass to the curb."

I turned around to head back to the house and said, "I'm not having this discussion with you."

"Because you know I'm right," he yelled after me.

I continued running without looking back for my brother. I knew he would show up eventually when it was time for dinner. I did feel a bit badly when he came home without his new gym shoes. It would have saved dad some money if I had remained to remind him to put them back on.

We ate dinner and after I helped mom with the dishes I headed up to my room. I didn't look at my phone but when I logged onto my computer I had several messages from Emma, each one getting angrier. I finally hit reply and typed_, I'm not going to force you to invite me to your party. You are an adult and can make any decision you like. _

She must have been sitting at her own computer because a reply came right back. _I am inviting you but you will be the only Junior. I don't want you to be uncomfortable._

_Don't worry about me, _I sent back.

_Does it mean you're coming or not?_

_It means…don't worry about it._

I was acting immature and proving her point for her. I didn't understand why she found me worthy to have sex with, but not worthy of attending her party. I shut off my computer without logging off and tried to concentrate on a book I was reading.

Dreamer came into my room, holding her phone and said, "Trooper, Patrick said you should call Emma because someone made her cry."

I felt like the most horrible person alive. I assured Dreamer I would check on Emma and when she left the room I picked up my phone. She answered on the first ring and I realized Budge was right, she did have me whipped.


	5. Chapter 5

5

I played my one and only tough card and her tears made me fold like a house of cards. I would cut off my own arm if Emma cried for me to do it. I apologized and begged for her forgiveness. She sobbed for close to half an hour before finally accepting my apology.

I heard dad when he got home so I got out of bed to talk to him. He was sitting in the kitchen with the lights out so I turned on the hall light so it wouldn't blind him. "Is there anything you need?" I asked him, worried about why he was alone in the dark.

"Listen," he said and held up his finger. I strained to hear anything and he smiled. "Silence, it is so relaxing."

I pulled out a chair and sat across from him. "Sorry to interrupt?" I offered.

"Your voice is better than silence," he said, but I could see he was a bit worried about why I was up in the middle of the night.

"Dad, what was college like?" I asked him.

He took a moment and then smiled wider. "It isn't like a Van Wilder movie. It is a lot easier if you stay organized so you shouldn't have a problem."

I let my arms drop onto the table in frustration and tried to think of how to word my question. I finally said in an awkward way, "So, how do you find out who you are? I mean, does it happen in college?"

Dad took on his own thoughtful expression and then shrugged. "It took me a long time after college to figure out who I was. But your mother always knew who she was. I think it is different for different people. Is there something I can help you with?"

I laughed because my whole point was to become my own person, not an extension of dad. I shook my head and sighed. "When you meet the person you love is it something tangible, like do you realize it right away?"

My father leaned forward and spoke directly to my eyes. "Trooper, don't ever settle for a maybe. There is an absolutely out there for you and do everything you can to find her and make her yours."

I knew at that moment there would be nobody except Emma for me. I just needed to give us both time to grow up. She was my absolutely and no matter where life took us we would somehow end up together, I would make certain of it.

"Thanks dad," I said, and came around the table to give him a hug. He held me tightly and patted my back.

When we pulled away from each other we noticed mom at the foot of the stairs. Her hair was wild around her head and she was wearing one of dad's t-shirts which drowned her. She looked tiny and vulnerable; I had never seen her that way.

"Did I wake you?" I asked her apologetically.

"What are you doing up so early?" she asked.

"I just wanted to talk to dad," I looked over at him and smiled. "I missed him, I guess."

I walked toward the stairs and patted mom's hair a bit to tame it before leaving the room. It wasn't much later when I heard dad pounding on the wall and screaming obscenities. I put my pillow over my head and fell back to sleep.

The next morning I smiled at Emma as she climbed in my car. She reached over and hugged me so Budge pretended to vomit loudly. Dreamer began asking her about her emotional night so I drove as quickly as possible to school. When we arrived everyone got out of the car but Emma held my arm for me to wait.

When we were alone she reached in her backpack and pulled out an envelope. "Here is your invitation. I really want you to come, okay?" I only nodded and wouldn't look at her. She sighed and said, "Friday night is a party with your family and the Whitlocks, I want you to come to both, Trooper."

I finally gave her what she wanted and agreed to come. We didn't speak of it again. The days passed without any drama, but also without much affection between me and Emma. She kissed me once when we stopped by our lockers and nobody was around, but other than that we continued on like normal.

Mom only showed up one time at school during the days leading up to the party. I walked toward the office and she ran to meet me half-way. "What does misanthropic mean?" she blurted out.

"Hatred for mankind," I said, and worried why she needed to know that.

She thought for a moment and then said, "Have you noticed all the hurricanes hit the south. I think God is trying to drown the whores sitting in ponds."

I smiled and reminded her of something. "Mom, we live in the wettest part of America."

Her eyes bulged and she pointed a finger at me. "Because of Jessica always wet Stanley. If she would move it would never rain." Her attention left me for a moment and then she grabbed my shirt and asked, "Are you staying away from Nastylie?"

"Yes, mother," I assured her.

"You are such a good boy, Trooper," she said with a smile. "I got all my wash done," she announced as if I was going to ground her if she didn't.

Then she walked away without another word. I was going to miss her at college. She was unconventional but she made life fun. It was going to be touchy having her in the same room with Jasper at Emma's party, but I knew he would avoid her and talk mainly to dad.

When Friday arrived I rushed outside before Budge to tell Emma happy birthday. I gave her a hug and then Dreamer handed her a small gift. Emma protested but Dreamer insisted she open it right then. It was a pair of earrings with Emma's birthstone. She immediately put them on and Dreamer was beaming that her gift was well liked.

Budge got into the car and looked at Emma. "Nope, you don't look more mature, just as arrogant as always."

"Use words you understand," Emma said hatefully to Budge.

"Okay…Biatch," he emphasized and made Patrick laugh.

I turned around in my seat and looked right at Budge to warn him. He wouldn't hold my gaze and turned to look out the window. I hated to fight with my brother, but I wouldn't allow him to hurt Emma on her birthday. All her friends made a big deal out of the day and even brought a cake for lunch. Emma was in a great mood and kept leaning into me and letting me rub her back softly in front of everyone.

I was walking with my brother to the car after school when Natalie Newton passed us. She turned around and looked at Budge like she had never noticed him before. He turned and walked backwards as he looked her up and down with a smile.

"Forget it," I said adamantly.

"What, I wasn't planning anything," he protested.

"That is trouble mom doesn't need," I said to warn him.

He glanced back at Natalie in her short skirt and knee high boots and grinned. I grabbed his arm and pulled him to the car. Today I pulled into the McCarty's driveway to drop off Emma and Patrick. I looked at Budge and Dreamer and told them to walk across to our house because I had an errand to run.

I drove to a photography shop and picked up Emma's gift. I had made a collage of us throughout the years and had it made into a poster with a frame. If she was going to be far from me I wanted my face all over her wall.

I brought it though the back door and waited until the family went next door before wrapping it. I went through the back of Emma's house and up the back stairs to her room. I set the gift against her wall and then joined the other's downstairs.

Jasmine was there, dressed in a fancy skin tight dress. She was much smaller than Emma, but her personality was so large she ran the show when she was around. I said hello to everyone and noticed Budge throw a cheese doodle at Jasmine, hitting her in the back of the head. She spun around and yelled, "You better not get processed cheese dust in my hair."

"I didn't do anything, it is coming from your ears," he yelled back at her.

"Gross," Patrick laughed, "Seeping ear cheese."

"Just ignore Budge," Emma said, to Jasmine and pulled her to another part of the room.

My brother was not one to be ignored so he positioned himself closer to the girls. Emma put her hand out to stop him from coming closer and said, "Stay right there."

"Mooooommmm," Budge yelled. "Can I budge?"

The adults were in the other room and we clearly heard my mother reply, "You can budge anytime you want, sweetheart."

He grinned at Emma and Jasmine and took a step toward them. I stepped in front of them and push Budge back. "Come on, it's her birthday," I said, trying to appeal to his charitable side.

He held out his arms and puckered up after saying, "Here, I'll give you a birthday kiss."

Emma looked appalled but Jasmine rolled her eyes and said, "As if you even know how to kiss, Budge."

Patrick was laughing hysterically and Dreamer was watching closely to see if Jasmine was going to teach Budge how to kiss. I had no belief Budge hadn't kissed a girl; I was only hoping he didn't have a kid already.

"Go find something to eat," I suggested to my brother. He wiggled his eyebrows at the girls and left the room.

"He is so annoying," Emma mumbled.

We all followed Budge into the other room and made a plate of food. Rose brought out the cake, which looked more like a wedding cake than a birthday cake. Emma blew out the candles and opened a few gifts. When everyone was distracted I told her I put her gift in her room. She gave me a big hug and then Patrick suggested we play hide and seek outside among the many trees.

We all turned to look at Jasmine; obviously her high heels wouldn't work. Dreamer offered some of hers and ran home to get some sweatpants and shoes. I was stunned when Jasmine refused the pants but put on the shoes and ran outside to join us.

Patrick was it first and we all scattered. Budge climbed up the trellis and onto the roof of our house. Dreamer hid behind a large water barrel near Rose's garden. Jasmine ran the furthest into the woods and it astounded me she had no fear.

Emma remained with me and we ran to the front of the property and ducked into the culvert that led under the driveway. We sat huddled together with our feet halfway up the side of the pipe. We were quiet for a few moments and then she whispered my name.

I turned to look at her face and she smiled up at me. "We're alone," she said softly.

"But being sought," I reminded her.

She reached up with her hand and pulled on my neck to bring me closer to her. I put my mouth on hers and kissed her gently, trying to hear if Patrick was coming our way. I spoke as we remained attached, "Happy Birthday."

She moaned and our kissing got much more aggressive. We were losing control, groping each other in the confined space until we heard Dreamer scream loudly. Emma and I both jumped and rushed from our hiding place.

We could see the others standing around something on the ground and rushed toward them. "He jumped from the roof," Dreamer cried when she saw me coming.

I saw Budge lying on the ground motionless and my heart went wild. Emma began screaming for her father and the adults hurried from the house. I dropped to my knees and looked for any sign of an injury.

"He jumped and then fell back hitting his head on the ground," Patrick said, sounding guilty for something that wasn't his fault.

"Don't move him," Emmett yelled as he ran to us.

Dad was holding my hysterical mother and had Dreamer wrapped around his waist as she sobbed. I looked at Emmett with fear and wanted him to do something to save my brother. He reached out and raised one of Budge's eyelids and my brother reacted by groaning and turning his head.

"Budge, can you hear me?" Emmett asked.

He slowly opened his eyes and looked up at everyone standing over him. He smiled and closed his eyes as he said, "Cool, I can see up Jasmine's dress."

Mom accused Jasper of trying to kill her son so the party ended. Budge was watched closely for any sign of concussion, but I'm not sure anyone would have really been able to see a difference. I had a bigger issue to deal with, I had to decide if I was going to Emma's other party or not.


	6. Chapter 6

6

The next day Mom forced Budge to keep an ice pack on his head. I'm not sure why, but it made her feel better. He was ordering everyone around as if he lost a leg and taking advantage of the sympathy he was garnering.

Dreamer was livid that dad would have to go to the club and worry about Budge. She blamed him for the injury and insisted she would never play hide and seek with him again. I sat in the chair across from where he was lying on the couch. "Why in the world would you jump?" I asked him.

"I saw Jasmine sneaking up to make it to the base. I wasn't about to be caught before Miss Priss," he explained.

"So you would rather kill yourself?"

"Yeah," he insisted. "If I had to choose life or letting Jasmine win, I would die for the cause."

I shook my head and felt my phone vibrate. I pulled it from my pocket to see a text from Emma asking if I was coming to the party tonight. I still wasn't sure what to do. She was at her friend's house all day and I would arrive alone to a place I was not wanted. I told her I would see her later and left it open.

I helped mom with dinner and dishes before going upstairs to shower and get ready. I looked at my image in the mirror. I was tall like dad and had his same features. My hair was just a bit darker than his but it had the same thick, unruly texture.

I wore jeans and a tee with a sweater over it. I put on my casual hiking boots and made sure I added a good dose of aftershave. When I got downstairs my mother looked at me with surprise. "Are you going out?"

"Is it okay?" I asked in return.

"Oh yeah, I just need to know if I'm in charge tonight," she said, and added ice to the pack for Budge.

"I won't be out late," I promised and gave her a quick kiss.

The party was on the edge of town in the guest house of a large impressive home. The cars were lining the street and I parked and waited to gather my courage before making the long walk to the back of the property.

I was searching for Emma, but the music was so loud and the place was so crowded it was hard to make out anything. Someone handed me a cup and I took a sip to find it was beer. I sat it on the first free surface and continued looking for Emma.

I saw one of her friends and approached, "April, where's Emma?" I asked.

She pointed to where a group of people were dancing and I saw Mack Shore dancing with her. He had his hands right on her ass and I could feel the anger rising inside of me. Emma was laughing and letting her head drop back so she could toss her long hair.

When the music faded I walked toward them. Another song instantly began to play so I called out to her. She looked at me and smiled, "Hi Trooper, I'm glad you came."

I glanced at Mack, trying to tell him I didn't appreciate the way he was holding my girl, but he ignored me. "Can we talk?" I asked her.

"Emma's busy," Mack said, and I could smell alcohol on his breath. He spun her around so his back was to me and she laughed from the dizzying movement.

I walked away, angry that she wouldn't leave him to talk with me but even angrier at myself for coming. I was handed another cup and this time I drank down the liquid quickly. A girl I knew as Darla, but never had an actual conversation with, approached me with yet another cup of beer. She smiled and handed it to me. "I know Emma insisted you come, but it must be uncomfortable for you."

I nodded and drank the beer. "I don't know why I came," I admitted with embarrassment.

She took my hand and pulled me to the back patio. We sat on a bench and Darla grabbed two new cups. I looked around the place and said, "Everyone knows Emma's dad is a cop, right?"

"In Forks, not here," Darla said as if it made all the difference.

We heard a scream and loud laughter as Mack came out of the bungalow carrying Emma over his shoulders. She was laughing and kicking as he tossed her onto a trampoline and then placed his body right on top of hers.

I jumped up but Darla grabbed my arm. "They're just playing around. Emma doesn't like Mack and he has a girlfriend in college."

I sat back down and watched as he tickled her, making her scream. I downed another full cup and began to feel the effects. I smiled at Darla and she nodded for me to come with her. I followed her into the house and she got me a cup with dark liquid. I drank it down and the burn in my throat made my eyes water.

The music had slowed so she put her arms around me and we rocked back and forth as the alcohol went to work. I don't remember too much after that point. I know I drank more, because the burn in my throat was constant. I remembered fighting with Emma, but I have no idea what it was over. I opened my eyes and saw I was lying in my bed.

The drapes were closed but I could tell it was light outside. I sat up and pain shot through my head as if I had been the one to jump from the roof. I forced myself to get up and made my way to the hallway to see what was going on.

I heard a noise in the kitchen so I went downstairs and found my dad making some coffee. He looked up at me and said, "Feeling better?"

"What happened?" I asked, and felt my way to a chair.

"I think I should be asking you that question," he chuckled. I looked around for signs of anyone else and dad quickly added, "They are all at Grandpa and Grandma Swans."

"Did I drive?" I asked, angry for making such a bad decision.

"No, I got a call at the club so I came and got you."

"Good," I murmured, "At least I was acting responsibly."

Dad laughed and it told me my behavior had been anything but responsible. I let my head fall into my hands and dad placed a cup of coffee in front of me. "I never expected this from you," dad said, to plunge the knife deeper.

"I don't know why I did it. I was uncomfortable and watching guys all over Emma so I drank. It was stupid."

Dad took a drink from his own cup and then said, "Trooper, drinking can cause you to make different decisions, ones you wouldn't make if you were sober. There is nothing worse than living with regret."

I tried to remember anything about the night and then asked fearfully, "Did I make a bad decision?"

"Do you care for a girl named Darla?" he asked, causing my blood to turn to ice.

I gasped and covered my mouth. Surely I wasn't that drunk to have sex with Darla at Emma's party. Was that what we were fighting about? I looked at my father as tears burned my eyes and asked, "What did I do?"

"I don't have all the details. Emma called and said you were drunk and trying to leave with Darla. I found the two of you screaming at each other in the middle of the street."

"Me and Emma?" I asked for clarification.

He nodded and I closed my eyes trying desperately to remember anything. I finally stood knowing I needed to apologize to her as quickly as possible. Dad cleared his throat and said, "Son, this is not normal behavior for you so I haven't said anything to your mother, but if it happens again you won't be let off the hook."

"I can promise you it will never happen again," I assured him. I made my way back upstairs and took a long shower to clear my head. I dressed and walked slowly across the yard toward the back of Emma's house. I knocked loudly and waited.

When nobody arrived I sent her a text. The door opened only a few inches and she looked at me with red, swollen eyes. I didn't know if she had been crying or she had too much to drink also. I wasn't sure where to start so I said the first thing to enter my mind. "I'm sorry, Emma."

"For what?" she demanded.

"For making an ass out of myself at your party," I said, figuring it covered just about everything.

"Why did you want to hurt me so badly?" she asked as tears filled her eyes.

My head fell in shame and I shook it a couple of times. "I have no idea what happened last night. I know I drank too much, but I can't remember anything else."

She was silent and I kept my head lowered until she opened the door wider and said, "Come in."

I followed her up the back stairs to her room and leaned against the closed door as she sat against the headboard hugging a pillow. I could now see she had been crying and it ripped my heart into pieces. I never wanted to be the one to hurt Emma, ever.

"I'm so sorry," I said as my own voice broke. I looked away so she wouldn't see my emotion but it was impossible to hide.

She finally said through her tears, "Did you change your mind?"

There were many things she could mean, but if it concerned her I didn't change my mind about anything. I shook my head back and forth as I bit my lip.

"If I would have let you go, would you have really slept with Darla?"

I let my body slide down the door and rested my arms on my knees. "Probably," I admitted, because I was incapable of thinking last night. It was painful to admit it, but I would not make things worse by lying to her. She wiped her tears and took a few steadying breaths. I had nothing to lose so I said, "Emma, I saw Mack with his hands all over you and it made me sick. I drank to get it out of my head; I have no feelings for Darla."

"Mack is only a friend," she said harshly.

I smiled at her and said, "So am I."

She pounded her fist onto her mattress and said, "God Trooper, you just don't get it. This cannot be it for us. We are in advanced classes and this is not where we are meant to end up. Do you want me to go to junior college and marry you at nineteen? We have to know what is out there so we can choose this. It will only work if we choose each other after seeing all the choices we have in life."

"I choose you," I said softly as my own tears began to fall.

She jumped off the bed and came to my side. She held my face in her hands and said, "Trooper, my parents never went to college. All their dreams are on my shoulders. I want to see who I can be, can't you understand?"

I did understand, but I wanted it to be different. Emma had the intelligence to be anything she wanted. She wouldn't depend on her parents to build her a home and buy her the things she wants. I wanted her to be the best she could be, but I also knew it meant I had to let her go.

"You'll be amazing," I told her honestly and tried to smile.

"I do love you, I really do, but we have too many things to experience first."

I let my legs fall and I pulled her onto my lap. I kissed her as passionately as possible, because I was kissing her goodbye. We would still have sex with each other for the first time, but any dream of having Emma as mine right now was gone. For her birthday I would give her the biggest gift of all, I would walk away from her.


	7. Chapter 7

7

I put all my focus on making our one night together perfect, but at school I kept things casual. I encouraged Emma to drive once in awhile and planned to have her drive herself when the weather got better. I even began talking to other girls more often.

One afternoon I was sent on an errand for mom and found myself staring at the boxes of condoms at the local grocery store. I didn't realize there would be so many choices and all of them claimed to be more enjoyable for the woman. Maybe I needed to have Emma pick the ones she wanted, but how would she know? I finally grabbed the most generic looking box I could find and hid it in my dresser drawer.

I was walking to the parking lot one day when I saw Natalie talking with Budge. I cringed at the thought of interrupting them because I did everything possible to pretend Natalie never existed. She walked away and I approached Budge. I tried to convince him mom would freak, but he told me she was only returning his backpack.

We drove home and I was a bit surprised when Emma asked me to wait as the others got out of her car. She glanced at Dreamer running toward dad and said, "Trooper, I've noticed Dreamer needs to start wearing a bra. I don't want to say anything to embarrassed her, but boys will begin saying stuff if she doesn't."

It was hard for me to believe my little sister was maturing. It felt like all of the sudden we were all growing so much older. I nodded and told her I would talk to my mom. Emma smiled and said, "If you need my help just let me know."

I got out of the car and Emma stood by her door looking over the top of the vehicle as she asked, "What do you want for your birthday?" I gave her a knowing look and she laughed as she whispered, "Besides that?"

I shut the door and looked over at my house before looking back at her and saying, "I want us to be nine and ten again."

She gave me a nostalgic stare and then said, "Twenty-nine and thirty wouldn't be too bad, either."

"No, it wouldn't," I laughed, and she turned and headed into her house.

I went right to my room and checked to see if I had everything ready for our big night. I was keeping a list on my computer but when Budge walked in I quickly minimized the screen. I wasn't sure what he wanted but when he asked me about sex I thought Patrick had somehow found out my plans.

I had always been like a second father to Budge, but when he wanted advice on sex I was not willing to be his mentor. It would bring up too many questions and I wanted to keep this private for my entire life. I didn't share any info but I did give him some condoms. Budge as a father was too disturbing to contemplate.

I was curious about what he planned for the night of my birthday, but since I had my own plans I didn't question him too hard. Budge was prone to changing his plans from moment to moment, so I didn't worry too much.

I was adding a lighter to my list when I heard mom screaming about something. I rushed downstairs to see who was on the receiving end of her rant. She had planned a dinner for my birthday and when she invited Alice and Jasmine they assumed Jasper was invited too.

I gave her space to calm down and got dinner on the table for Budge and Dreamer. The next morning I informed mom about Dreamer's budding problem so they spent the evening at the mall shopping. I went over to my buddy Mitchell's house. It had been awhile since I hung out with him.

We were throwing a football in the middle of the street when two girls came by. I recognized one who I had seen with Natalie a couple of times. Mitch threw the ball to one and she screamed and stuck her hand out to block it.

I ran over to pick it up and said laughing, "You're supposed to catch it with both hands."

"No way, it's too scary," she said.

Mitch came over to get in on the conversation and soon we were watching a movie with them in his room. I had no plans to make a move on the girl. I enjoyed talking and joking around with them. When I finally had to leave I realized I hadn't thought about Emma once. I didn't know how to feel about it.

As I drove I thought about Casey Carson. Budge told me she liked me and there was something intriguing about her. She was cute and spunky; she just lacked confidence and assurance. I thought about asking her out and giving her a different perspective than the losers she usually hung around with. By the time I arrived home I was decided to ask her on a date.

I got into bed and my cell phone rang. I looked to see it was Emma calling. I picked it up and said, "Hi."

"Hi Trooper," she said softly. "I need to tell you something and I don't want you to be angry."

"Okay," I said, and waited for the hammer to drop.

"I was asked to prom," she said, and then slowly added, "And I said yes."

I closed my eyes and forced myself to say, "Good, I'm glad you said yes. I'm going to ask someone on a date myself."

We were both silent for a few moments listening to each other breathing in and out. She finally asked, "Are we okay?"

"We will always be okay," I assured her.

"Are you still planning for us to be together for your birthday?"

"Absolutely," I said. "Are you?"

"I'm looking forward to it," she said, and I could hear the smile in her voice.

We hung up feeling connected but also free to do whatever we wanted to do with whoever we wanted to do it with. I wasn't sure if it was the way teenagers matured or if I was okay with letting go because I knew someday she would be mine.

I got the opportunity to ask Casey out the next night when she showed up at a basketball game. Budge brought her over to sit by us and I noticed how she kept her head down, hiding behind her hair. I tried to engage her in conversation by asking, "Do you come to the games often?"

"Sometimes," she said softly, keeping her head down.

"It would be more interesting if we had a better team," I laughed. Her head barely rose and she took a quick glance at me before looking down again. I turned sideways on the bench to let her know she had my total attention and then said, "Casey, tell me a little about yourself."

She gulped some air and then shook her head as she said, "There is nothing much to tell. I like science, but my grades are pretty bad."

"I could help you," I offered, and this time she looked right at me. "I get to school a little early; I could go over things with you, or maybe at lunch."

"I'm sure you have better things to do," she said, returning to her downward gaze.

I reached out and moved her hair so I could see her face. She smiled but held still. "No, I don't. I would love to help you, okay?"

She nodded and her smile grew so I began asking her more questions about her interests and her favorite movies. She was actually quite interesting and surprised me with her vast knowledge of many subjects. When the game ended she stood awkwardly so I took her hand and asked, "May I walk you to your car?"

"I'm here with my neighbor. I rode with her."

"May I walk you to your neighbor's car?" I laughed, and she nodded eagerly.

We waited for the crowd to thin and then headed out into the dark parking lot. I kept her hand tightly in mine and she pulled me to a stop. She had a pained expression on her face and she was much braver in the darkness. "Trooper, my oldest brother is in prison and my other brother hasn't been seen in two months. My parents do nothing but fight and to most of the school I'm trash. I want to be something different, but I'm not."

"You're not trash, Casey. You are a smart, interesting, pretty young woman. I would love to take you on a date, how about next Friday night?"

Her eyes filled with tears as she gave me a wary look. "Why?" she pushed.

I laughed and pulled her in for a hug. She was much narrower than Emma, but she was just as tall. "I just told you why, you're supposed to give me an answer."

"You're not planning to soak me in pigs blood are you?" she asked, and let her body relax against mine.

"No, just a movie, I promise."

We continued are trek to the car and she waved to a girl who looked tougher than most of the guys in the school. I walked Casey to the passenger side of the car and opened the door for her. She looked at me before stepping into the car. "Why are you so polite?"

"I guess I was just raised this way," I said with a shrug.

She shook her head and said, "Budge isn't polite."

"Budge is barely human," I admitted, and she laughed loudly. She looked totally different when she laughed, as if all her burdens rolled off and she was a typical high school girl. "Good night, Casey."

"Good night, Trooper," she grinned. I shut the door and watched them drive away before heading to my own car. I saw Natalie and had to take the long way around so I wouldn't be forced to speak to her.

Budge was without shoes so I took him past Wal-mart to save mom the trouble. I knew she would be stressed over my birthday dinner and I didn't want to add anymore drama to her day. I got ready for bed and turned out my light. I couldn't keep myself from looking across the way to see if Emma's light was on. The entire house was dark and I got into bed as I went over all my plans for the next day. It had to be perfect, something Emma could remember fondly forever.

I woke up the next morning with air blowing in my face. I thought it was Budge so I pushed with my arm before opening my eyes, sending mom falling off my bed and onto the floor. I sat up in surprise and saw she was holding a half blown up balloon in her hand.

"Were you blowing that on me?" I asked her.

"Yeah, for your birthday, happy birthday son."

"Why would you let a balloon deflate in my face?" I asked, having no idea what tradition it could be.

"I didn't want to pop it and give you a heart attack, use some common sense, Trooper," she said angrily and got off the floor. I guess it could have been much worse, but the best birthday greeting would have been to let me sleep.

I went into my bathroom and got ready for the day before heading down to eat. Mom was still working on my cake so I took my bowl of cereal to the sofa to eat. Dreamer came down the stairs and joined me with her own bowl of Wheaties.

"Do you feel any different being seventeen?" she asked me.

"No, not yet, maybe later," I answered honestly.

"Seventeen seems so far away," she sighed, which was exactly how I felt about the age of eighteen.

I looked at her for a moment and then asked, "What is the most romantic thing you can imagine. If some boy was going to do something romantic what would you like him to do?" I realized she was only eleven but she was a girl all the same. I heard they dreamed about these things since the age of three, so she had to have some sort of insight for me.

Her face lit up and I wasn't sure if it was because I asked her for advice or if she really had an answer for me. She said, "I would love for a boy to take me on a Ferris wheel so I could see the whole city. I would yell daddy's name and wave to him at the club."

I patted her knee and smiled at her lame suggestion. I was going to go with what I had planned and hope Emma didn't have any desire to go to an amusement park or see her father before we had sex for the first time.


	8. Chapter 8

8

I left midmorning to pick up my supplies and set up everything on the boat. I worried about the small heater getting the room warm enough, but mom and dad had lived on the boat when they were first married. Emma and I had worked out all the particulars. She would come to my birthday dinner but act like we had nothing planned. I would come to the boat around ten and she would show up around ten-thirty.

It took me most of the afternoon to have everything set up the way I wanted. The room looked spectacular and I hoped it would show Emma how much I cared for her. I opened the small drawer next to the bed and put the box of condoms there. Now everything was perfect.

I got home and went through the back of the house. Mom had balloons and decorations all over the kitchen and the house smelled like every version of food imaginable. I headed up the stairs and ran into dad in the hallway.

"You don't have to stay home just for this," I told him.

"I'll go in later. There's always time for my boy's birthday," he said, and gave me a tight hug.

When he pulled away I smiled and said, "It's because Jasper's coming, isn't it?"

Dad put his finger to his lips to tell me to keep quiet and then whispered, "That too."

The house began to fill with people but I was only aware of Emma. She wouldn't look at me, too afraid to give away our secret. I could always tell when Emma was nervous. She would fiddle with her hair, running her fingers through it constantly.

I was stunned when Budge told me I had someone waiting for me on the porch. I went outside, making sure I shut the door so mom wouldn't invite the visitor in for the night. I saw Casey sitting on the swing with a small wrapped box in her hand.

I sat next to her and her shyness made me smile. "Hello Casey," I said to fill the silence.

She held out the box and mumbled, "Happy birthday, I didn't mean to interrupt anything."

I leaned into her, nudging her shoulder and said, "You didn't have to do this."

She finally looked at me and smiled softly. "You were nice to me Trooper, not many boys are nice to me."

"I'm sorry to hear that," I told her sadly. "You are an incredible person."

She smiled and looked down as she told me I could open the gift. I pulled the wrapping away and saw a small wooden box. I opened it to reveal a man's silver chain bracelet. It was understated and classic, nothing like I would expect Casey to pick out. "Wow," I said, reacting honestly to the great gift. I pulled it from the box and opened the clasp. She reached over and helped me attach it to my wrist. "Thank you," I said, still looking at the chain. "I love it."

She stood and again apologized for interrupting. I stood too and followed her to the car waiting in the driveway. It was the same neighbor girl waiting for her. I opened her car door and then stood in front to keep her from jumping inside.

"Casey, I really do appreciate the gift. May I give you a hug?"

Her face blushed and I knew she wasn't innocent; she just wasn't used to a boy asking permission. She nodded so I pulled her into my arms tightly. Her hands rose around my neck and she returned the same amount of force I was using.

"Are we still on for Friday?" I asked.

"Of course," she answered. "I'll see you at school on Monday."

"Good night," I said and then watched her get into the car and drive away.

I felt a bit awkward returning to the house. Emma looked at my wrist right away, noticing the new addition to my wardrobe. I wasn't trying to hurt her, but we were both moving on after tonight and I wanted her to know I was good with it.

The evening ended early because Budge couldn't help but tease Jasmine by spreading icing all over her face. Budge and I did the dishes and then both retired to our rooms. I was happy to know Budge's plans were changed, although I knew he would be on to something new in a weeks' time.

When it was time for me to leave I walked downstairs and found mom eating large bites of my southern missing cake. I took the bite she offered me and then kissed her cheek. "Thanks for a great party. I'm going to be with a friend and I'll be out late."

"Okay," she said with a full mouth. I headed for the door and she called out to me so I stopped and turned to look at her. "I know it hurts to only be seventeen, but time will fix it all."

I knew she was talking about Emma so I smiled and said, "It's not so bad being seventeen." She smiled too, revealing chocolate teeth and making me laugh.

I drove to the pier and went right to the boat house. I turned on the heater and lit the candles over the headboard of the bed. I had strung small twinkling lights all over the ceiling earlier so plugged them in to give a little light to the dark room.

I found a faux bear rug in deep red and placed it over the bed, because I wanted to see Emma's blonde hair and white body against the rich color. I got the bouquet of white roses from the fridge and placed them on the bed, before scattering red rose petals across every surface.

I finished just as I got a text from Emma saying she had arrived. I was suddenly shaking like a leaf. I felt like I needed more time to prepare mentally, until I saw her walking toward me down the pier. My heart was beating wildly for another reason. I loved her totally and it was my chance to show her.

She smiled when I held out my hand and helped her aboard. She was wearing an oversized sweater with leggings and heels. She took off her shoes as soon as she got on the deck and carried them with one hand. I led her down to the bedroom and when I opened the door she gasped loudly.

"Oh my God, Trooper," she laughed. "This is way over the top."

"You don't like it?" I asked nervously.

"It is amazing, but I can't believe you did all of this." She walked over to the bed and ran her hand along the red fur. "It's so soft," she murmured. She picked up her bouquet and brought them to her nose before looking back at me. Her eyes were watery and she shook her head. "Trooper, I don't deserve this."

My mouth fell open in shock. Was she crazy? She deserved so much more than this but it was all I could manage at the time. I reached out and took her hand, pulling her to me as I wrapped both arms around her. "Emma, you deserve everything your heart desires."

"My heart desires you," she whispered.

"I'm all yours," I told her honestly, and then kissed her fervently. She dropped the roses back onto the bed and let her hands run over my body. She suddenly pulled away and I looked at her eyes to see if I had done anything wrong.

In one swift motion she pulled the sweater from her body and then removed the leggings, leaving on her lacy bra and panties. She climbed onto the bed and lay in the middle of the red fur. The sight was as amazing as I knew it would be. I removed my own shirt and jeans, leaving on my boxers and socks and got onto the bed next to her.

Her body cuddled up to mine and she placed her head on my shoulders. "You still have on your socks," she laughed.

"I'll get them in a minute," I promised.

She took a deep breath and I could feel her relax into me. I let my fingers run through her hair forcing myself to take it all very slowly. Her fingers moved to my bracelet and she held it up to see it a bit better. "It's very nice," she said.

"Do you want me to remove it?" I asked her, feeling a bit odd that I forgot to take it off.

"No, it looks nice on you," she said, and kissed my wrist. She leaned across my body and looked up at me from my chest. She smiled widely and then said, "When I was little I thought you were the cutest boy in the world. Now I'm certain of it."

"Thank you, but boy doesn't help my ego right now," I said with a chuckle.

"Sorry, but you'll always be the perfect little boy from next door to me."

I decided it was time to do my best to change that assumption the best I could. I pulled her up my body and kissed her deeply as I rolled her onto her back. In that quick moment everything changed. The room was romantic and the music slowed to an erotic beat. My hand went right to her bra strap and expertly unhooked it on the first try. She pulled it from her arms and tossed it to the floor.

I kissed down her jaw to her neck and then to her chest. She moaned when I ran my tongue over her erect nipples and I was transformed to another dimension. I lost all inhibition and reticence. My hands moved at will and my body was seeking its own ecstasy. The bed was our playground and we investigated every inch of it as we moved and responded to one another.

It was Emma who removed my socks and boxers, just as I had been the one to remove her panties. I reached for the drawer and she stopped my hand. "I'm getting a condom," I explained.

"We don't need it, I'm on the pill," she answered and went back to kissing my chest.

I was shocked and when my body stopped its movements she looked up at me. "You're on the pill?" I repeated, as if I couldn't understand the words.

"I've been on it for over a year to regulate my periods, and since we are both virgins we don't have to worry about diseases."

A huge smile broke across my face and she glanced at the drawer and said, "I guess I can practice placing one, if you don't mind."

The last thing I wanted was her being an expert at anything related to sex with some other guy, so I shook my head and rolled onto her. She wrapped her legs around me and I placed myself right where I wanted to be. She stared into my eyes as I moved forward. The sensation was overwhelming and I held my breath to keep from plunging into her.

I stopped when I felt the barrier holding me back. I couldn't do it; I couldn't look into her eyes and cause her a moment of pain. She saw my hesitation and moved for me, pulling us tighter together as I felt the pressure give. She let out a soft gasp and I tried to keep perfectly still. I would stop this very moment if she wanted me to, but she began to move again, taking me right back into my trance of nothing but overwhelming pleasure.

We had no idea what we were doing, but something much deeper, more primal knew. We were transported to a place of nerves and muscles and synapses. We came undone only to be reconstructed into something better, more intelligent, more capable of love.

Both of us were panting loudly and sobbing tears of uncontained emotion. I held her head in my hands as I cried along with her. "I love you Emma, I love you more than you'll ever know."

She held me fiercely to her body and cried out her own declaration. "I love you too Trooper, and I felt your love for me, I truly did."

The twinkling lights flickered over our bare skin and the music played hauntingly in the background. Like everything else in my life it happened first with Emma, and now it was time for a new pain, a pain that could only come from my singular source of pure joy. We would finally grow apart and find out who we are supposed to be in life.

I knew there would be other girls in my bed, other girls I would hold in my arms and talk of intimate feelings, but I would never love anyone like I love Emma. I had to let her go in order to win her back. I would miss every moment away from her, but I would count them as each tick of the clock would bring me closer to her once again.

THE END


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